RominaAndrea

Amy Flo-Yo
2 years, 6 months ago

OK – what is the call to action here?
Amy Flo-Yo
2 years, 6 months ago

I think it is brilliant, flows wonderfully. A few small take outs to tighten in up.. and off it goes:

DANG IT – the friggin strike throughs won’t show up in here. SO here it is with stuff just deleted:

Almost all of my life I’ve sat uneasily on an uneven 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities a…Read More
- JoelElfman
  2 years, 6 months ago
  
  Thanks @Amy Flo-Yo for the comments & for the CTA reminder. I got so caught up in the writing, I forgot.
  
  CTA – If you are interested in connecting mind & body, being that better, more natural version of yourself, then reach out and schedule a discovery chat. If you can imagine a happier, more confident you, getting more done, easily &…Read More
  - Amy Flo-Yo
    2 years, 6 months ago
    
    LOL – still too many words 😉 As a past grant writer I know all about more words to fill word count and fluff…BUT this type of stuff needs to be “easy” to process. That first sentence is clunky. just use this: If you can imagine a happier, more confident you, getting more done, easily & effortlessly, and feeling better about life then we…Read More
    - JoelElfman
      2 years, 6 months ago
      
      Thanks again, Amy, I knew it was clunky, thanks for your suggestions.
Annette Presley
2 years, 6 months ago

I tightened it a little, so here’s my version:

For most of my life I’ve sat uneasily on a 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities, and the expectations of others or society.

⁃ As a young boy, I did Modern Dance, until it didn’t seem like the thing a boy should be doing.

⁃ I was a voracious reader…Read More
- JoelElfman
  2 years, 6 months ago
  
  Thanks Annette, wonderful edit. You & Amy Flo-Yo are awesome.
  - JoelElfman
    2 years, 6 months ago
    
    Many thanks to @Amy Flo-Yo & @Annette Presley for their wonderful edits. I blended parts of both for the rewrite. I also added a new paragraph to start, because I thought it fit the theme really well. I also included an alternative flip at the bottom of the 1st paragraph, just in case folks thought that might be better.
    =================
    
    When…Read More
    - Annette Presley
      2 years, 6 months ago
      
      I like the beginning. There is some duplication. I don’t think you need both of these paragraphs:
      
      Hypnosis has given me more confidence, made me feel more relaxed, and has allowed me to help an amazing array of people.
      
      ⁃ Hypnosis has been a beautiful gift to me, helping me become more confident and relaxed, and allowing me to help an amazing a…Read More
      - JoelElfman
        2 years, 6 months ago
        
        @Annette Presely Thank you for catching the duplication & grammar. I will edit accordingly.
    - Annette Presley
      2 years, 6 months ago
      
      I would use but in truth instead of and in truth with the second paragraph. And there is redundancy in these two paragraphs.
      
      The body is as much a part of our unconscious as our mind. The body always speaks the truth to us, and it gives us simple, natural, elegant tools to help us, even when we are inarticulate, caught up in overthinking, or…Read More
JoelElfman
2 years, 6 months ago

Posted on FB, LinkedIn, & is the new About page for my website

KerstinPeters
2 years, 5 months ago

Hello Joel, I like that you described most of your benefits in a positive way, maybe you could also rewrite the first benefit: Establish More Balance and Calmness (or something similar)? I would move the words around in your CTA: Schedule a Clarity Call, and learn how the 12-week BodyHypnosis Program can improve your life.
- JoelElfman
  2 years, 5 months ago
  
  Thanks Kerstin, I’ve changed the CTA and looking at the other changes you suggested. Just sent it off to my web people. I’ll make more changes soon.

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