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Trying to write this Turning Point/Journey piece been a tortuous piece for me. It’s still way too long, but at least it’s progress.
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Almost all of my life I’ve sat uneasily on an uneven 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities and the expectations of others or society.⁃ As a young boy, I…Read More
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I think it is brilliant, flows wonderfully. A few small take outs to tighten in up.. and off it goes:
DANG IT – the friggin strike throughs won’t show up in here. SO here it is with stuff just deleted:
Almost all of my life I’ve sat uneasily on an uneven 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities a…Read More
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Thanks @Amy Flo-Yo for the comments & for the CTA reminder. I got so caught up in the writing, I forgot.
CTA – If you are interested in connecting mind & body, being that better, more natural version of yourself, then reach out and schedule a discovery chat. If you can imagine a happier, more confident you, getting more done, easily &…Read More
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LOL – still too many words 😉 As a past grant writer I know all about more words to fill word count and fluff…BUT this type of stuff needs to be “easy” to process. That first sentence is clunky. just use this: If you can imagine a happier, more confident you, getting more done, easily & effortlessly, and feeling better about life then we…Read More
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I tightened it a little, so here’s my version:
For most of my life I’ve sat uneasily on a 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities, and the expectations of others or society.
⁃ As a young boy, I did Modern Dance, until it didn’t seem like the thing a boy should be doing.
⁃ I was a voracious reader…Read More
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Many thanks to @Amy Flo-Yo & @Annette Presley for their wonderful edits. I blended parts of both for the rewrite. I also added a new paragraph to start, because I thought it fit the theme really well. I also included an alternative flip at the bottom of the 1st paragraph, just in case folks thought that might be better.
=================When…Read More
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I like the beginning. There is some duplication. I don’t think you need both of these paragraphs:
Hypnosis has given me more confidence, made me feel more relaxed, and has allowed me to help an amazing array of people.
⁃ Hypnosis has been a beautiful gift to me, helping me become more confident and relaxed, and allowing me to help an amazing a…Read More
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I would use but in truth instead of and in truth with the second paragraph. And there is redundancy in these two paragraphs.
The body is as much a part of our unconscious as our mind. The body always speaks the truth to us, and it gives us simple, natural, elegant tools to help us, even when we are inarticulate, caught up in overthinking, or…Read More
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I’m trying to get better at coming to this community, I’ll work on it! I would love some feedback on my story, I’m not sure how the tension and relief flows, how compelling it is, or if the CTA is too complicated. This is my 2nd draft after Tanya helped me rework a few things. Thanks!
The year was 2013 and I was at my heaviest weight ever, and…Read More
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Stephanie,
once again, nice job, I think you are pretty much on-target.I would open a little different, edit a few other places, and add a little more detail to give people a stronger feeling about what your struggles.My journey to learning how to lose weight joyfully began n 2013. I was at my heaviest weight ever, and officially obese.
When I…Read More
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Some different ideas for some of the sentences:
It took me 6 whole years to lose just 40 lbs.
I lost 40 lbs in only 4 months! I was so excited and on top of that I managed to keep the weight off for an entire year.But then I gained back 12 lbs. What I was doing to lose weight wasn’t helping me keep the weight off. I needed to try something…Read More
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Good Afternoon friends! I’ve posted my long form and a link to the video for how the Revenue PI came to be.
Hey Hey! My name is Tanya, and today I wanted to introduce myself and tell you the story of how The Revenue PI came to be.
The medical field has been near and dear to my heart for as long as I can remember. As a kid, I wanted to be a…Read More
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Hi lovelies!
I am working on my vision statement. I am working off of my Universal Truth: Embracing your emotional relationship with food heals your mind, body and soul.The Mission:
We believe creating awareness around your (a, the?) relationship with food can heal the world.I am struggling with ” your, a, the” also is “the world” too broad?
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I agree with Amy, if your vision is around the “your” your mission should be too. (“Embracing your…” and creating awareness around you…”) It’s more personal. I also don’t think world here is too broad. If one person at a time can be healed / have awarenesss around food then essentially you’re healing the world, just one person at a time 🙂
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Direct Offer Content
Are you feeling frustration, stress, anxiety, conflicted within yourself or with different parts of your life? Tired of conducting life from the rear seats vs. being your best self.If so, join my signature BodyHypnosis program. 12 weeks of 1:1 personal sessions and learn how to:
– Create more awareness around the…Read More
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Joel – this is clear and concise – good job. I wouldn’t say “if so join my …” because you are then asking them for a consult. See how that may feel like a mixed message to your peeps? You might say something like: If this sounds like what you are experiencing, you may benefit from program called xyz. See the difference?
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Friends

Karen Joy Fritz
@karenkarenjoyfritz-com

AimeeRussell
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JoelElfman
@bodymindhypnoticgmail-com

AllyBerthiaume
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Stephanie Zoernack
@stephaniesoulfulgrowthhealthcoach-com
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