Malinda Baum

AmyHager

• 2 years, 4 months ago

Have you shared your content from this month? If so, how did it go????

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JoelElfman

• 2 years, 4 months ago

Trying to write this Turning Point/Journey piece been a tortuous piece for me. It’s still way too long, but at least it’s progress.
——-
Almost all of my life I’ve sat uneasily on an uneven 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities and the expectations of others or society.

⁃ As a young boy, I…Read More

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12 Comments
- Amy Flo-Yo
  2 years, 4 months ago
  
  OK – what is the call to action here?
- Amy Flo-Yo
  2 years, 4 months ago
  
  I think it is brilliant, flows wonderfully. A few small take outs to tighten in up.. and off it goes:
  
  DANG IT – the friggin strike throughs won’t show up in here. SO here it is with stuff just deleted:
  
  Almost all of my life I’ve sat uneasily on an uneven 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities a…Read More
  - JoelElfman
    2 years, 4 months ago
    
    Thanks @Amy Flo-Yo for the comments & for the CTA reminder. I got so caught up in the writing, I forgot.
    
    CTA – If you are interested in connecting mind & body, being that better, more natural version of yourself, then reach out and schedule a discovery chat. If you can imagine a happier, more confident you, getting more done, easily &…Read More
    - Amy Flo-Yo
      2 years, 4 months ago
      
      LOL – still too many words 😉 As a past grant writer I know all about more words to fill word count and fluff…BUT this type of stuff needs to be “easy” to process. That first sentence is clunky. just use this: If you can imagine a happier, more confident you, getting more done, easily & effortlessly, and feeling better about life then we…Read More
      
      JoelElfman
      2 years, 4 months ago
      
      Thanks again, Amy, I knew it was clunky, thanks for your suggestions.
- Annette Presley
  2 years, 4 months ago
  
  I tightened it a little, so here’s my version:
  
  For most of my life I’ve sat uneasily on a 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities, and the expectations of others or society.
  
  ⁃ As a young boy, I did Modern Dance, until it didn’t seem like the thing a boy should be doing.
  
  ⁃ I was a voracious reader…Read More
  - JoelElfman
    2 years, 4 months ago
    
    Thanks Annette, wonderful edit. You & Amy Flo-Yo are awesome.
    - JoelElfman
      2 years, 4 months ago
      
      Many thanks to @Amy Flo-Yo & @Annette Presley for their wonderful edits. I blended parts of both for the rewrite. I also added a new paragraph to start, because I thought it fit the theme really well. I also included an alternative flip at the bottom of the 1st paragraph, just in case folks thought that might be better.
      =================
      
      When…Read More
      
      Annette Presley
      2 years, 4 months ago
      
      I like the beginning. There is some duplication. I don’t think you need both of these paragraphs:
      
      Hypnosis has given me more confidence, made me feel more relaxed, and has allowed me to help an amazing array of people.
      
      ⁃ Hypnosis has been a beautiful gift to me, helping me become more confident and relaxed, and allowing me to help an amazing a…Read More
      
      JoelElfman
      2 years, 4 months ago
      
      @Annette Presely Thank you for catching the duplication & grammar. I will edit accordingly.
      
      Annette Presley
      2 years, 4 months ago
      
      I would use but in truth instead of and in truth with the second paragraph. And there is redundancy in these two paragraphs.
      
      The body is as much a part of our unconscious as our mind. The body always speaks the truth to us, and it gives us simple, natural, elegant tools to help us, even when we are inarticulate, caught up in overthinking, or…Read More
- JoelElfman
  2 years, 4 months ago
  
  Posted on FB, LinkedIn, & is the new About page for my website
Amy Civica

• 2 years, 4 months ago

Hi lovelies!
I am working on my vision statement. I am working off of my Universal Truth: Embracing your emotional relationship with food heals your mind, body and soul.

The Mission:
We believe creating awareness around your (a, the?) relationship with food can heal the world.

I am struggling with ” your, a, the” also is “the world” too broad?

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4 Comments
- AmyHager
  2 years, 4 months ago
  
  I would keep it ‘your’. What you do is very personal.
  How does our relationship with food help heal the world? It is too broad the way it is written now. Why is this important?
- TanyaEasterling
  2 years, 4 months ago
  
  I agree with Amy, if your vision is around the “your” your mission should be too. (“Embracing your…” and creating awareness around you…”) It’s more personal. I also don’t think world here is too broad. If one person at a time can be healed / have awarenesss around food then essentially you’re healing the world, just one person at a time 🙂
  - Amy Civica
    2 years, 4 months ago
    
    Thank you Tanya
- KerstinPeters
  2 years, 4 months ago
  
  I would leave the “your” but I am not clear how the personal awareness about food is healing the world.
JoelElfman

• 2 years, 5 months ago

Direct Offer Content
Are you feeling frustration, stress, anxiety, conflicted within yourself or with different parts of your life? Tired of conducting life from the rear seats vs. being your best self.

If so, join my signature BodyHypnosis program. 12 weeks of 1:1 personal sessions and learn how to:

– Create more awareness around the…Read More

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4 Comments
- AmyHager
  2 years, 5 months ago
  
  I love the end. If Change is calling, book a call. ❤️
- Amy Flo-Yo
  2 years, 4 months ago
  
  Wow I love it – easy to read – great flow!
- Shannon
  2 years, 4 months ago
  
  Joel – this is clear and concise – good job. I wouldn’t say “if so join my …” because you are then asking them for a consult. See how that may feel like a mixed message to your peeps? You might say something like: If this sounds like what you are experiencing, you may benefit from program called xyz. See the difference?
  - JoelElfman
    2 years, 4 months ago
    
    Thanks Shannon, I will include the change
NancyChen

• 2 years, 5 months ago

DIRECT OFFER EMAIL – Draft 1
Used the magic word, “repeatable”!
Comments invited!

Hello ,

Do you want to build more influence at work so that you can reach your goals?

If so, I would like to work with you in my PILOT Leadership Program designed for Asian women. This group program delivers the same system that has transformed many…Read More

4 Comments
- NancyChen
  2 years, 5 months ago
  
  Forgot the title: CAN BEING ASIAN SABOTAGE YOUR CAREER?
- AmyHager
  2 years, 5 months ago
  
  I would remove the word PILOT. You know what you are doing and you can help these women. Adding Pilot makes this seem like it isn’t real. Like you are experimenting and not the leader you really are.
  The special benefits – like bonus coaching – is something that you can gift people once they are in. The feedback will happen because you build…Read More
  - NancyChen
    2 years, 5 months ago
    
    Thanks for your feedback, Amy – it’s making more sense to me now.
- JoelElfman
  2 years, 5 months ago
  
  Nice work Nancy.
  
  CAN BEING ASIAN SABOTAGE YOUR CAREER? (Not crazy about this title. Is this about their DNA, their cultural beliefs or others beliefs about Asians. Which one or ones are you addressing)
  
  I would make sure you hammer home, Who this is for, Asian woman, and Why, cultural heritage. Make sure they feel this is tailored to them, and…Read More
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