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I just had to share. I did an outcome/result message and so far, I’ve got a 64% conversion rate. This stuff really works!
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would love some feedback. Is it compelling?
Here is a key reason your hormones are behaving badly, even though you are eating a healthy diet and taking DIM.
Your minerals are out of whack. You have too much iron and not enough copper.
What do I mean by that?None of us wants to bust our butt at the gym, eat kale, and take a boatload of…Read More
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![Profile picture of Brenda Uekert]()
taking DIM? It’s a powerful story. Not sure you need this at the end – (which are BIG issues costing you time, money, joy, and your sanity). You’ve unearthed those pieces in your story.
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
Thanks! I’ll take that out. DIM is a common supplement, but I might need to think of something else to put there.
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
instead of taking DIM, you can just mention supplements in general. Plus, DIM & DM are somewhat similar, someone skimming might not pay enough attention.
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Here’s my landing page copy draft for a free discovery call with me.
Tame your wild hormones, clear your brain fog, and get your joy and your life back!
If you are tired of feeling like crap, you need to book your Nutrition Game Plan session where we’ll uncover what is preventing you from feeling amazing and the steps you need to take to get f…Read More
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![Profile picture of Karen Joy Fritz]()
“Tame your wild hormones” is a how – it’s not something I know I want.
Maybe change up “If you are…” to “Are you…” so the reader seems more engaged and giving you yesses along the way.
Again in the benefits, causing my hormones to behave badly is a how. Foods and habits causing sleeplessness, brain fog, irritability… those are things I…Read More
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
Thank you , I appreciate your feedback!
Interesting. I think you are the first woman I’ve encountered who isn’t interested in hormones. Now, hormones aren’t actually the problem, it’s mineral dysregulation, but no one is going to be seeking that so that’s why I use hormones since that is what they complain about. But I can add some symptoms.
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![Profile picture of DanielaBorgialli]()
Re: “Tame your wild hormones” – i hear what @karen is saying above about it being a “how” and yet – so many of us hear “it’s your hormones” – I think it has become common vernacular for women to blame “everything” on their “hormones”. I like it!!! Maybe it’s at the end – you will help them “tame them”….
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
Yeah, I hear “my hormones” all the time. It’s not actually hormones that are the problem, it’s mineral dysregulation, but no one is going to be looking to balance their minerals. Mineral dysregulation is behind everything.
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Here’s my why I do what I do story:
When I first started out as a dietitian, I was so excited to help people feel better and have the ability and energy to do all the things they wanted to do.
About 14 years in, my excitement turned to anger when I discovered that the advice I was giving was actually contributing to chronic disease and…Read More
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10 Comments-
![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
Whoops. Is it compelling? Anything you don’t like?
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
I like it a lot. Here are a few suggested edits. I think your anger & frustration w/ the system comes through clearly, along w/ the desire for something better. I imagine the women struggling w/ all of these might need a sense of support & caring. While I know you care deeply about your clients. Somehow, I don’t feel I’m getting quite as str…Read More
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
Great, thank you!
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![Profile picture of JulianneMiller, AFC®]()
I agree with Joel that I think it comes out harsher than kinder. The first section especially comes out strong. Paragraph 3 & 4 seem very personal so I think they need to change some. Instead of saying you were “getting away with it”, make this more about your clients at the time. Something along the lines of “My system was meant to help my…Read More
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
Thank you!
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
I’m looking forward to the rewrite. You got a great story and a wonderful rhythm of tension & release. A little more of your vulnerable and caring side and you are there.
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
How about this?
When I first started out as a dietitian, I was so excited to help people feel better and have the ability and energy to do all the things they wanted to do.
About 14 years in, my excitement turned to anger when I discovered that the advice I was giving was actually contributing to chronic disease and obesity. I was so mad I…Read More
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
Hi Annette,
This is better. It’s still got a little bit of focus on your upset, so I wonder if we can take advantage of that. And I hope I’m not putting words in your mouth.When I first started out as a dietitian, I was so excited to help people feel better and have the ability and energy to do all the things they wanted to do.
About 14 yea…Read More
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
Thank you Joel! You helped me see something. I was reading your rewrite and thought if I have to say I care that many times for it to come across that I care (particularly when no else has to do that), then there is a disconnect somewhere so I did some Theta Healing around compassion and changed some things. I’ll do a rewrite and we’ll see if that…Read More
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
Hi Annette, I look forward to the rewrite.
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Hi Anette, what happened that you got a 64% conversion rate. Conversion of who to what?