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![Profile picture of KerstinPeters]()
KerstinPeters is with JoelElfman and 19 others
Is anyone planning to join me Thursday at noon ET for the 4 Th Wednesday Community Cooperation Meeting? Some of you mentioned that they had a time conflict. I could also host it at 10:30 AM or 3:30 PM.
Time: Aug 24, 2022 12:00 Eastern Time (US and Canada)
Every month on the Fourth Wed, 4 occurrence(s)
Aug 24, 2022 12:00…Read More![Profile Photo]()
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Trying to write this Turning Point/Journey piece been a tortuous piece for me. It’s still way too long, but at least it’s progress.
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Almost all of my life I’ve sat uneasily on an uneven 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities and the expectations of others or society.⁃ As a young boy, I…Read More
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![Profile picture of Amy Flo-Yo]()
I think it is brilliant, flows wonderfully. A few small take outs to tighten in up.. and off it goes:
DANG IT – the friggin strike throughs won’t show up in here. SO here it is with stuff just deleted:
Almost all of my life I’ve sat uneasily on an uneven 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities a…Read More
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
Thanks @Amy Flo-Yo for the comments & for the CTA reminder. I got so caught up in the writing, I forgot.
CTA – If you are interested in connecting mind & body, being that better, more natural version of yourself, then reach out and schedule a discovery chat. If you can imagine a happier, more confident you, getting more done, easily &…Read More
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![Profile picture of Amy Flo-Yo]()
LOL – still too many words 😉 As a past grant writer I know all about more words to fill word count and fluff…BUT this type of stuff needs to be “easy” to process. That first sentence is clunky. just use this: If you can imagine a happier, more confident you, getting more done, easily & effortlessly, and feeling better about life then we…Read More
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
Thanks again, Amy, I knew it was clunky, thanks for your suggestions.
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
I tightened it a little, so here’s my version:
For most of my life I’ve sat uneasily on a 3 legged stool, wobbling back & forth between a wild imagination, physical activities, and the expectations of others or society.
⁃ As a young boy, I did Modern Dance, until it didn’t seem like the thing a boy should be doing.
⁃ I was a voracious reader…Read More
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
Thanks Annette, wonderful edit. You & Amy Flo-Yo are awesome.
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
Many thanks to @Amy Flo-Yo & @Annette Presley for their wonderful edits. I blended parts of both for the rewrite. I also added a new paragraph to start, because I thought it fit the theme really well. I also included an alternative flip at the bottom of the 1st paragraph, just in case folks thought that might be better.
=================When…Read More
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
I like the beginning. There is some duplication. I don’t think you need both of these paragraphs:
Hypnosis has given me more confidence, made me feel more relaxed, and has allowed me to help an amazing array of people.
⁃ Hypnosis has been a beautiful gift to me, helping me become more confident and relaxed, and allowing me to help an amazing a…Read More
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
@Annette Presely Thank you for catching the duplication & grammar. I will edit accordingly.
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
I would use but in truth instead of and in truth with the second paragraph. And there is redundancy in these two paragraphs.
The body is as much a part of our unconscious as our mind. The body always speaks the truth to us, and it gives us simple, natural, elegant tools to help us, even when we are inarticulate, caught up in overthinking, or…Read More
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
Posted on FB, LinkedIn, & is the new About page for my website
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I’m trying to get better at coming to this community, I’ll work on it! I would love some feedback on my story, I’m not sure how the tension and relief flows, how compelling it is, or if the CTA is too complicated. This is my 2nd draft after Tanya helped me rework a few things. Thanks!
The year was 2013 and I was at my heaviest weight ever, and…Read More
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![Profile picture of KerstinPeters]()
The story starts very compelling. I would add some stronger adjectives in the second part ( It was a phenomenal success). I also would simplify the CTA. Only give them one option. I love the emojis.
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![Profile picture of AmyHager]()
I feel like you are missing something…. are you your ideal weight now? did you find that something you were looking for in the last round of experimentation?
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
Stephanie,
once again, nice job, I think you are pretty much on-target.I would open a little different, edit a few other places, and add a little more detail to give people a stronger feeling about what your struggles.My journey to learning how to lose weight joyfully began n 2013. I was at my heaviest weight ever, and officially obese.
When I…Read More
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![Profile picture of Annette Presley]()
Some different ideas for some of the sentences:
It took me 6 whole years to lose just 40 lbs.
I lost 40 lbs in only 4 months! I was so excited and on top of that I managed to keep the weight off for an entire year.But then I gained back 12 lbs. What I was doing to lose weight wasn’t helping me keep the weight off. I needed to try something…Read More
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
Love the version you published
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Here is step 2 of the message, the story outline:
Immigrating to Canada, I had the language skills after a two-year certification as a foreign language correspondent. While I could perform oral business translations, I did not dare to talk to people. During the full-time programme, the goal was perfection. However, we never practiced improvised…Read More
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![Profile picture of Shannon]()
Great draft – my recommendation would you warm this up with wayyy more emotion (I know this is hard for some cultures). Here’s a rewrite so you get the gist:
I was so afraid of everyone thinking I was stupid, that I practiced my new language with our puppy–who I knew would not be judgemental and would be willing to listen! After immigrating to…Read More
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![Profile picture of KerstinPeters]()
Thanks, Shannon, I see what you mean. I will see what I can do.
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![Profile picture of JoelElfman]()
I’m wondering if you can also make a joke about the puppy’s conversation improving as well.
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![Profile picture of KerstinPeters]()
@Joel, that is not a bad idea. I will see if I can add that.
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![Profile picture of KerstinPeters]()
Second draft:
When I immigrated to Canada, I had the language skills to thrive in my new country after a two-year certification as a foreign language correspondent. While I could confidently perform oral business translations, I did not dare to talk to people. During the full-time programme, the goal was perfection. However, we never practiced…Read More
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Do you need a little extra support with your content creation? Come hang out with fellow Content Personality Club students to talk through anything that keeps you from putting your messages out. This session on the fourth Wednesday of the month is not hosted by Shannon or Amy.
Here is the link to my personal zoom sessions for you:Topic: 4 Th…Read More
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![Profile picture of KerstinPeters]()
As some members mentioned the have a time conflict on the 4th Wednesday, is there another time that would suit you?
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![Profile picture of KerstinPeters]()
Does anyone plan to come tomorrow to the 4 Th Wednesday Community Cooperation?
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